Facing Anger Through Non-Comformity

I am a nonconformist. I do not, will not and cannot do things just because someone says I should or because it is the accepted way of doing things. I have always been this way. I didn't choose to be this type of person, it just happened. I believe it is genetically encoded. I have little power over it. It is something that compels me, I am overtaken with it. It's like taking a stand based on integrity. To change that stand compromises your integrity. It is not a choice, it  is a result.

Many enjoy rewording the trait with the label "Cut off your nose to spite your face.". That is right. It's true. I  do this. Stubborn? Yes. Bullheaded? A little bit. Determined? Very  much so. What others tend to overlook is that it is not just to be obstinate that I do things contrary to popular traditions. It is because I believe in the stand I have taken to such a degree that I am willing to endure the consequences of my stand.

This behavior was fueled by anger originally. I did do it to be defiant. To antagonize my assailants, my oppressors. To tick them off and show them that they have no hold on me. I would not be conquered. I refused to conform and there was absolutely nothing they could do about it. You may be wondering how that was beneficial. I will tell you. If you don't care and have no concern they can't control you, hurt you or manipulate you. You are your own person. An individual who stands on their own account.  Thus those people are rendered helpless and frustrated; this in itself is it's own reward. A bonus if you may.

I relished in my newly found power. I basked in the glow of their heated anger. They were powerless and they hated it. More so, they hated me. And that gave me power. The power to seemingly control my life, the people in it and how they affected me. However, my non-conformity was  afflicting me in the process. It had built a wall of bitterness around my head and my heart. I held the world at bay and all who dared to try manipulating their way in. If I felt nothing, I hurt from nothing. If I hurt from nothing, then "nothing" could hurt me. I was "safe", "protected". Or so I thought. Very few were allowed in and those few were held under suspicion of their intentions in my life. A learned behavior that continuous physical assaults, lies, deception and disappointment had harbored in me. And I stood ready to protect should my fears be warranted.

Did this work for me? You bet it did! I had it so down pat that I could walk away from anything and anyone except my own children without so much as a breath of recognition, and zero remorse. I was good at this. It was how I dealt with all the pain and anger and disappointment and grief and sorrow and devastation life had filled me with. Anger fueled by loss and deception. Anger engulfed in the flames of violence and the ravages of those trusted at one time to no longer be trusted again. Anger. So I walked away, I rejected, I shut out, and I refused. And I found my way through it. I had protected myself and my family. Those were my goals.

See, the original non-conformity was brought out of me by anger and anger led to more and more non-conformity. But in the end, the loving kindness of those who raised me and the compassion of those who nurtured me won out in the end. Just like my  post: Love Always Wins~~Why I Keep Trying
Love does always win. And that is why I keep trying. And that is how I was able to face my anger. I was able to walk away, refocus my life in a spiritual sense, build who I was/am and come back and do things better. I can do that now. I've learned. I don't have to be angry and I don't have to conform either. :)

(A special thanks to my mom who said "I love you" a lot. And for the gentle tucking of my hair behind my ear for I can feel the love in those touches to this day. A fond remembrance of my father who instilled in me that it was not okay to hate people, because they are human and we have to love them. Because, that is what's right. A huge token of who and what I am today goes to my father's parents who were able to keep me after my father died and continued the love and compassion my father gave. A favorable light shines on my father's sister, my Aunt Jo. She spent years and hours and months and days and weeks instilling that I was loveable and beautiful and worthy. She moved heaven and earth to make sure I felt loved and wonderful and.........I cherish her memory. Her smile is in my mind's eye at all times. A smile filled with just about all the love in the world.)

A word of appreciation to you for taking the time and interest to read this post. I hope you find it settles well. Look past the anger and loss and see the beauty that emerged from the depths of despair. It's bright and beautiful and welcoming.     ©




Corrina L. Hunter

Popularity Is Overrated

Being popular is overrated by those who are not popular. I grew up insecure & timid, with little to no self-esteem. I would look upon the so-called popular kids in my school and ask myself "What makes them any better than me?" They were not more attractive. Their personalities were not more endearing. They didn't really dress any better than I did. They certainly weren't more kind or enjoyable than I was. So I never quite understood what made a person popular.

Many years later I reentered the world of education. I was given a glimpse of insight about the "popular" girls or guys. And upon closer inspection I noticed that they were indeed my equals not my superiors. They too had their own set of issues and woes. They had grief, sorrow, loss, insecurity, uncertainty, worries, problems, hope and dreams; just as I did.

Did this have an impact on my outlook in regard to myself? YES IT MOST CERTAINLY DID! I realized that they didn't really think they were better than me, they didn't look down on me, or truly dislike me. They just had their own life to concern themselves with. It wasn't, as I like to say, "all about me" at all. In fact their "air of superiority" had nothing to do with me. It was just their way of surviving. Their way of keeping their head above water. They knew how to "fake it 'till you make it".

I took this insight and used it on myself. I stopped second-guessing what others thought, said or felt about me. I focused on "it ain't nothin' but a thing". That was my inward quote; My moral booster. I stopped thinking of myself as inferior to others. I accepted what I had always told myself but couldn't quite believe, was afraid to accept. That there is nothing wrong with me and/or who I am. It's all an interpretation that I had been conditioned  to see, think, believe and feel about myself.

That was my undoing throughout my childhood and early adulthood. I was my own worst enemy. Mom told me that. My sisters pointed it out to me. Numerous others tried to convince me. But I just couldn't, wouldn't, was afraid to dare think it. Overcoming this one not-so-minute issue released a whole new me. I found myself smiling at people with confidence instead of in defeat. I started chatting briefly to folks instead of keeping quiet in fear of conjecture. I started developing the ability to "fake it 'till I made it". And you know what happened? I MADE IT! I made it real. I made me. AND IT WORKED. I'm healthier, happier and friendlier than ever before.

I like who I am. I like what I have become. I like me. And it feels good. And it's about time too. Love to all of you who take the time to read this and reflect on it. I hope it helps you to find better things about/for yourself and those in your life.

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Facing the Challenge~~Getting Coherent

I am going to take immediate action on the advice of my Social Networking sister Trisha. She says I need to/must have organization to my blog. I agree with her but was anxious to get started. Now it is time to get a theme or pattern going so that readers know what to expect, if & when to look forward to the next post and so on...


Those who know me well realize that this is not an overnight sensation for me. I have a limited attention span, think spontaneously about a myriad of different subjects and rarely slow down mentally. That being said: It's time to put my "responsible girl pants on" and get focused. I'm smiling at this as it will be rather interesting and most likely amusing from my standpoint as I will be the main one (and hopefully the only one) to know how hectic that is going to be. :D (minus friends, family and coworkers)


The next challenge will be narrowing down and categorizing my subject matter, setting a schedule for each area and selecting the appropriate information for each area. I am insightful in a number of areas but would like to select the situations that will best meet the interest and needs of those who read. I desire to have an impact on others. A source of hopefulness and encouragement with lessons, experiences and anecdotes. Words that will amuse, please, that pull at your heartstrings, that make your heart swell, provide peace of mind. There is little I prefer more than offering comfort to others and joy to their spirits. If you feel that you know me well enough to offer suggestions for content subjects please don't hesitate to share it with me.


Subject matter is looking to be along the lines of:
1. Friends & Family~Relationships
2. Health & Beauty~Physical, Mental, Emotional, Social & Inner/Outer Beauty
3. Communication~How & What Types
4. Memories~Right, Wrong & Otherwise

 

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