Facing Anger Through Non-Comformity

I am a nonconformist. I do not, will not and cannot do things just because someone says I should or because it is the accepted way of doing things. I have always been this way. I didn't choose to be this type of person, it just happened. I believe it is genetically encoded. I have little power over it. It is something that compels me, I am overtaken with it. It's like taking a stand based on integrity. To change that stand compromises your integrity. It is not a choice, it  is a result.

Many enjoy rewording the trait with the label "Cut off your nose to spite your face.". That is right. It's true. I  do this. Stubborn? Yes. Bullheaded? A little bit. Determined? Very  much so. What others tend to overlook is that it is not just to be obstinate that I do things contrary to popular traditions. It is because I believe in the stand I have taken to such a degree that I am willing to endure the consequences of my stand.

This behavior was fueled by anger originally. I did do it to be defiant. To antagonize my assailants, my oppressors. To tick them off and show them that they have no hold on me. I would not be conquered. I refused to conform and there was absolutely nothing they could do about it. You may be wondering how that was beneficial. I will tell you. If you don't care and have no concern they can't control you, hurt you or manipulate you. You are your own person. An individual who stands on their own account.  Thus those people are rendered helpless and frustrated; this in itself is it's own reward. A bonus if you may.

I relished in my newly found power. I basked in the glow of their heated anger. They were powerless and they hated it. More so, they hated me. And that gave me power. The power to seemingly control my life, the people in it and how they affected me. However, my non-conformity was  afflicting me in the process. It had built a wall of bitterness around my head and my heart. I held the world at bay and all who dared to try manipulating their way in. If I felt nothing, I hurt from nothing. If I hurt from nothing, then "nothing" could hurt me. I was "safe", "protected". Or so I thought. Very few were allowed in and those few were held under suspicion of their intentions in my life. A learned behavior that continuous physical assaults, lies, deception and disappointment had harbored in me. And I stood ready to protect should my fears be warranted.

Did this work for me? You bet it did! I had it so down pat that I could walk away from anything and anyone except my own children without so much as a breath of recognition, and zero remorse. I was good at this. It was how I dealt with all the pain and anger and disappointment and grief and sorrow and devastation life had filled me with. Anger fueled by loss and deception. Anger engulfed in the flames of violence and the ravages of those trusted at one time to no longer be trusted again. Anger. So I walked away, I rejected, I shut out, and I refused. And I found my way through it. I had protected myself and my family. Those were my goals.

See, the original non-conformity was brought out of me by anger and anger led to more and more non-conformity. But in the end, the loving kindness of those who raised me and the compassion of those who nurtured me won out in the end. Just like my  post: Love Always Wins~~Why I Keep Trying
Love does always win. And that is why I keep trying. And that is how I was able to face my anger. I was able to walk away, refocus my life in a spiritual sense, build who I was/am and come back and do things better. I can do that now. I've learned. I don't have to be angry and I don't have to conform either. :)

(A special thanks to my mom who said "I love you" a lot. And for the gentle tucking of my hair behind my ear for I can feel the love in those touches to this day. A fond remembrance of my father who instilled in me that it was not okay to hate people, because they are human and we have to love them. Because, that is what's right. A huge token of who and what I am today goes to my father's parents who were able to keep me after my father died and continued the love and compassion my father gave. A favorable light shines on my father's sister, my Aunt Jo. She spent years and hours and months and days and weeks instilling that I was loveable and beautiful and worthy. She moved heaven and earth to make sure I felt loved and wonderful and.........I cherish her memory. Her smile is in my mind's eye at all times. A smile filled with just about all the love in the world.)

A word of appreciation to you for taking the time and interest to read this post. I hope you find it settles well. Look past the anger and loss and see the beauty that emerged from the depths of despair. It's bright and beautiful and welcoming.     ©




Corrina L. Hunter

Poem~Conquered

  I wrote this poem many years ago and am now ready to share it with the world. I hope you find it meaningful and are able to enjoy it.

CONQUERED

I've conquered fear and battled pain,

Can't count the loss, it's time for gain.

So onward, upward, I shall go,

Against the rivers' currents flow.

And as I walk this new-found track,

I may stumble to the ground.

But that shall not hold me back,

Thanks to friends whom I have found.

They pick me up and help me gather,

My peace of mind which tends to scatter.

Written by: Corrina Lynn Hunter ©

                       

Love Always Wins~~WHY I KEEP TRYING

My daughter and I combined households a few years back and it has been amazingly wonderful. You see, everyone who knew us was sure it would be a disaster. She and I are quite alike. In fact, so much so that during her teen years, in an argument with her, I shouted "I cannot win an argument against myself so I don't know why I keep trying!" Well, here is the success story of my efforts.

Everyone has amazing kids. We all adore our children. Families are wonderful. My story, I feel, is exceptional. But don't write me off just yet. Read on and decide for yourself.

In January of 2007 I was diagnosed with severely sensitive asthma. Not chemical sensitivity. Not allergies. ASTHMA. Plain and not-so-simple. I had suffered from flu, sinus infection, head cold, bronchitis, pneumonia and never seemed to recover my breath. So I had to see specialists to determine what was going on.

We, my daughter & I, lived in Grant City, MO. I had no vehicle. So my daughter, Lenise was left to assist me as my boys lived quite far away. Her car was not reliable and numerous trips to Kansas City for testing resulted in too many near misses with asthma attacks during the trip. The exhaust from vehicles, smoke from fires and other things were not filtered out as her car had no recirculate. Also, it was prone to break down.

This scared us both as the trips were necessary, Well, she had really been needing more reliable transportation anyway so we eventually combined households and helped each other so that she could purchase a new car that was safe for me to travel in. The next few tens-of-thousands of miles were used in seeking medical care for me. (sure we had issues with my breathing from all the gunk in the new car, but that is another story altogether)

Now here we are, December of 2012. Through many trials and errors we have learned how best for me to keep safe. Lenise is ever conscious of risk factors and so am I. We've learned the hard way. The cold winter air is risky for anyone with respiratory issues; but ever more so here as I have a few bad experiences with scraping frost, ice, &/or snow. With this in mind my daughter purchased a windshield cover for her new car that I drive so that I do not have to stand in the cold and scrape the window, risking a severe asthma attack.

Now, with the snows and even colder temperatures here she has a new fear. The extremes are too much for me for more than a couple of minutes. So today she says to me: "Mom, please, I don't want you outside in the mornings trying to remove snow or ice from the car. Please wake me so I can get it for you" (Tears of the reality of how loving my girl is well up in my eyes) You have no idea. My daughter works mostly nights, not getting home or supper until almost midnight. She also suffers from Chronic Fatigue and Insomnia so she really needs to stay sleeping when she does go to bed! Another thing, I LEAVE FOR WORK AROUND 6:00 am. If this doesn't make sense why I find it so amazing, don't ask. You either get it or you don't . I get it. SHE LOVES HER MOMMY! She loves me so much she's willing to make all of these sacrifices for MY WELL BEING; not hers.

This pulls, rips, tugs, yanks, tears at my heart-strings. I feel my heart swelling within me at the enormity of her love. I just had to post this to a blog. Things this wonderful don't come along just anywhere. I AM SO THANKFUL FOR MY DAUGHTER. LENISE SCOTT! I love you baby.

  ©

An Ounce Of Kindness~A Pound Of Cure

I quite literally cannot believe the kindnesses of others. When you have health conditions that "impose" on others it can be quite humbling. Take for instance a person with diabetes. Friends, relatives and/or neighbors offer sugar free treats. For ones who are dieting, low calorie or special foods that fit into the nutrition needs of another. In my case, it's asthma. I have excruciatingly, hyper-sensitive asthma. Not allergies. Not chemical sensitivity. Just plain asthma.

With all health conditions, there is no "one size fits all". I cannot stress this enough. THERE IS NO "ONE SIZE FITS ALL". Because, all of us are different. What hurts some amuses others. What offends one, entertains another. What one can do with certain ailments, others cannot. There is no "one size fits all".

In my case, that is ever so true. My asthma has limited me in ways others are not. But that is okay. I have loving family, coworkers and even neighbors who are considerate to this issue. My own sister and brother-in-law gave me a home when I needed it and even changed their routines to accommodate my needs. They adjusted their bathing and showering routines for when I was away so as not to suffocate me. They put away their scented candles and potpourri. They even took the dryer bar out of the dryer so as not to afflict me. Their daughters, my beautiful nieces, did the same. That was significant to me.

Then at work; both of my jobs in early childhood education. My coworkers avoided being too close to me when at work if they knew they had a fragrance or some-such-thing on that suffocated me. Or, if they know they are going to work closely to me, or in a confined space, they take that little extra effort NOT to put on hairsprays, colognes, or other beauty aromas. And why? Because they do not want to suffocate me. They are kind. They are considerate. They are thoughtful. They care about the well-being of others over their own personal preferences.

And most recently; my neighbor and I share a laundry facilities in the basement of our apartment house. The facilities are mine, but I was unable to get them into the basement. So, I asked for his help in exchange for use of the facilities. His laundry detergent was very strong and I had to leave a time or two so I asked him if he would mind changing laundry soaps. The first time the dryer vent had come off so we had that fixed but the next time he did laundry it happened again so...you cannot imagine my surprise. He just went and purchased special laundry soap so as not to choke me. I know many will think "it was to his benefit" or "it was the least he could do" but you are not acquainted with him. I do not believe selfish gain was his purpose. I truly believe that he, like my family and coworkers, cared enough to be thoughtful.

Their ounce of kindness has provided pound after pound of cure for me. And I strive to do for others equally as unselfish. Well, this is all for today. What kindness have you experienced?

Smile At Her Son!

One afternoon I was at the local pizza hut with my children and my youngest boy says to me: "Mommie, that lady over there is frowning at me." As I looked to where he was gesturing I saw an older lady sitting across the dining area, in alignment with my son's view. She did have a frown on her face. She looked to be scowling, almost disapprovingly at us, at my son. He was about 3 or 4 years old at the time. He has my father's smile. Big and cheesy and contagious. Just like daddy's was.

I though for a moment and said "Bear, maybe she's not smiling because she's sad or something happened. Maybe she needs someone to smile at her." My son says "Why mommy?" I said "because sometimes people can't smile 'cause their smile is broken and if you give them a smile from you it fixes it. Why don't you try smiling at her and see what happens." So my little guy looks up, gives the biggest, happiest, warmest smile you ever saw; from ear to ear. Then he gives the woman a little finger tips wave as well. And the next thing I knew he bursts out to me: "It worked mommy! It worked! She smiled at me!" He was so delighted that she smiled I almost wept over the sentiment of the whole thing. My son discovered the power of a smile that day and a woman went on with her day obviously a little bit brighter.

I remember my Grandpa Hunter singing a little "ditty" over the years about smiling, especially if I wasn't! "IF IT'S ANY TROUBLE, IT'LL GO AWAY ON THE DOUBLE, IF YOU S-M-I-L-E. SO CHASE AWAY YOUR TROUBLES AND BE HAPPY IN A DOUBLE WHEN YOU S-M-I-L-E" That's it, that's the whole ditty; at least that's all of it I can recall. Either way, it worked. You couldn't help yourself. You smiled, even if it was because the thing seemed so ridiculous. Or maybe it was that silly look he got on his face and the way he looked over the top of his glasses at you while he sang it. But you smiled nonetheless.

So remember these things the next time you are not smiling and reach out to someone who helps you smile or laugh. You truly cannot laugh or genuinely smile without being effected. And when you see others without smiles, or a pleasant expression; SMILE AT THEM. You will make their whole world better even if you never know how or why.

My son smiles that big ole grin to this very day. And it's still just as infectious and adorable as when he was little. What is your smile story? If you would like to share it you are welcome to do so in the comments area. I would love to hear about it. Or, if you rather, you can send it by private message to me on Facebook. But no matter what, please, S-M-I-L-E.



      ©

Resisting the Pull

My sister, Miss Trisha Hunter, is quite the social media whiz and has many endeavors online. Two of which I have become involved in. One, the Fashionista Fun by SensaFashion, led to yet another blog, my own, which you are now reading here. This in turn has led to my involvement with yet another of Miss Trisha's endeavors, the My Life As A Femal Robot website. 

As I come home from work I find myself logging onto FB, reading all the latest posts, putting my 2 cents in, catching up on the game I play, then being lured into posting a blog that I am no longer expected to do but cannot give up. So I spend near into 3 hours dallying online and off doing bits and pieces around home as well. Then I realize as I log onto this site as well, I find myself having done EXACTLY what this site is all about NOT doing....Being A Female Robot.

So now I look into myself and reflect on what it is I am really doing. Am I being an electronics/social media robot? Or am I just filling a void of otherwise unspent time staring into the media world of television or movies instead? In which case, isn't that just the same as "picking your poison"?
What are your thoughts on this matter? Where do you find yourself in this regard? How are you resisting the pull? Or are you? I am quite interested in hearing your thoughts and ideas.

Follow the links above and check out the sites, see for yourself.

Remember, in all things. we are

A Work In Progress

Popularity Is Overrated

Being popular is overrated by those who are not popular. I grew up insecure & timid, with little to no self-esteem. I would look upon the so-called popular kids in my school and ask myself "What makes them any better than me?" They were not more attractive. Their personalities were not more endearing. They didn't really dress any better than I did. They certainly weren't more kind or enjoyable than I was. So I never quite understood what made a person popular.

Many years later I reentered the world of education. I was given a glimpse of insight about the "popular" girls or guys. And upon closer inspection I noticed that they were indeed my equals not my superiors. They too had their own set of issues and woes. They had grief, sorrow, loss, insecurity, uncertainty, worries, problems, hope and dreams; just as I did.

Did this have an impact on my outlook in regard to myself? YES IT MOST CERTAINLY DID! I realized that they didn't really think they were better than me, they didn't look down on me, or truly dislike me. They just had their own life to concern themselves with. It wasn't, as I like to say, "all about me" at all. In fact their "air of superiority" had nothing to do with me. It was just their way of surviving. Their way of keeping their head above water. They knew how to "fake it 'till you make it".

I took this insight and used it on myself. I stopped second-guessing what others thought, said or felt about me. I focused on "it ain't nothin' but a thing". That was my inward quote; My moral booster. I stopped thinking of myself as inferior to others. I accepted what I had always told myself but couldn't quite believe, was afraid to accept. That there is nothing wrong with me and/or who I am. It's all an interpretation that I had been conditioned  to see, think, believe and feel about myself.

That was my undoing throughout my childhood and early adulthood. I was my own worst enemy. Mom told me that. My sisters pointed it out to me. Numerous others tried to convince me. But I just couldn't, wouldn't, was afraid to dare think it. Overcoming this one not-so-minute issue released a whole new me. I found myself smiling at people with confidence instead of in defeat. I started chatting briefly to folks instead of keeping quiet in fear of conjecture. I started developing the ability to "fake it 'till I made it". And you know what happened? I MADE IT! I made it real. I made me. AND IT WORKED. I'm healthier, happier and friendlier than ever before.

I like who I am. I like what I have become. I like me. And it feels good. And it's about time too. Love to all of you who take the time to read this and reflect on it. I hope it helps you to find better things about/for yourself and those in your life.

      ©