Saturday, March 16, 2013

Facing Anger Through Non-Comformity

I am a nonconformist. I do not, will not and cannot do things just because someone says I should or because it is the accepted way of doing things. I have always been this way. I didn't choose to be this type of person, it just happened. I believe it is genetically encoded. I have little power over it. It is something that compels me, I am overtaken with it. It's like taking a stand based on integrity. To change that stand compromises your integrity. It is not a choice, it  is a result.

Many enjoy rewording the trait with the label "Cut off your nose to spite your face.". That is right. It's true. I  do this. Stubborn? Yes. Bullheaded? A little bit. Determined? Very  much so. What others tend to overlook is that it is not just to be obstinate that I do things contrary to popular traditions. It is because I believe in the stand I have taken to such a degree that I am willing to endure the consequences of my stand.

This behavior was fueled by anger originally. I did do it to be defiant. To antagonize my assailants, my oppressors. To tick them off and show them that they have no hold on me. I would not be conquered. I refused to conform and there was absolutely nothing they could do about it. You may be wondering how that was beneficial. I will tell you. If you don't care and have no concern they can't control you, hurt you or manipulate you. You are your own person. An individual who stands on their own account.  Thus those people are rendered helpless and frustrated; this in itself is it's own reward. A bonus if you may.

I relished in my newly found power. I basked in the glow of their heated anger. They were powerless and they hated it. More so, they hated me. And that gave me power. The power to seemingly control my life, the people in it and how they affected me. However, my non-conformity was  afflicting me in the process. It had built a wall of bitterness around my head and my heart. I held the world at bay and all who dared to try manipulating their way in. If I felt nothing, I hurt from nothing. If I hurt from nothing, then "nothing" could hurt me. I was "safe", "protected". Or so I thought. Very few were allowed in and those few were held under suspicion of their intentions in my life. A learned behavior that continuous physical assaults, lies, deception and disappointment had harbored in me. And I stood ready to protect should my fears be warranted.

Did this work for me? You bet it did! I had it so down pat that I could walk away from anything and anyone except my own children without so much as a breath of recognition, and zero remorse. I was good at this. It was how I dealt with all the pain and anger and disappointment and grief and sorrow and devastation life had filled me with. Anger fueled by loss and deception. Anger engulfed in the flames of violence and the ravages of those trusted at one time to no longer be trusted again. Anger. So I walked away, I rejected, I shut out, and I refused. And I found my way through it. I had protected myself and my family. Those were my goals.

See, the original non-conformity was brought out of me by anger and anger led to more and more non-conformity. But in the end, the loving kindness of those who raised me and the compassion of those who nurtured me won out in the end. Just like my  post: Love Always Wins~~Why I Keep Trying
Love does always win. And that is why I keep trying. And that is how I was able to face my anger. I was able to walk away, refocus my life in a spiritual sense, build who I was/am and come back and do things better. I can do that now. I've learned. I don't have to be angry and I don't have to conform either. :)

(A special thanks to my mom who said "I love you" a lot. And for the gentle tucking of my hair behind my ear for I can feel the love in those touches to this day. A fond remembrance of my father who instilled in me that it was not okay to hate people, because they are human and we have to love them. Because, that is what's right. A huge token of who and what I am today goes to my father's parents who were able to keep me after my father died and continued the love and compassion my father gave. A favorable light shines on my father's sister, my Aunt Jo. She spent years and hours and months and days and weeks instilling that I was loveable and beautiful and worthy. She moved heaven and earth to make sure I felt loved and wonderful and.........I cherish her memory. Her smile is in my mind's eye at all times. A smile filled with just about all the love in the world.)

A word of appreciation to you for taking the time and interest to read this post. I hope you find it settles well. Look past the anger and loss and see the beauty that emerged from the depths of despair. It's bright and beautiful and welcoming.     ©




Corrina L. Hunter